Writing Therapy
Olive Beach, Spain - 2023
I just found this journal or social media post form 2020, It was really nice to read actually, im not in this wierd transitional place any more and im happy about that. I also remember writing it and in the act of writing, how much better it made me feel generally, so its a great reminder to kep doing the things I love, for me.
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I can’t seem to get the right music today; my jazz feels too sad and everything else seems to fucking jolly. I’ve had this problem for a while now, it happens to me when my emotional state is all over the place. It’s been a while since I brain dumped into a notepad and then published it to keep myself accountable so that’s what I’m doing. I always add a little disclaimer saying to move on if this isn’t your cup of tea, because comments to the tune of “Cool story bro” are very much part of the problem.
I have recently gone self employed again, leaving the council, with its neon office lights and “Becky’s birthday collection tins” far behind me. Although this choice is one I’m very happy with, the job I used to do was physical (which I loved) and, for lack of a better term, easy as fuck. I used to be left with a large surplus of time each day to read, ponder the meaning of existence and exercise but mostly, figure out how I felt about myself, my life and the things and people therein. My new life is less forgiving, and time is in short supply, so I find myself having to figure out things as I go along. This keeps leaving me with emotions that catch me off guard, like a jump scare in a horror film or a nasty plot twist when you think everything is going ok. This isn’t something deep and meaningful, I’m not talking about deep emotions that I can’t work out, I’m talking about surface thoughts that seem to keep getting pushed to the back of my mind. It’s like I have bad mental stock rotation and I just keep finding mouldy old loafs of bread tucked away at the back of my brain that I must address. It’s just not what I’m used to.
I’m not looking after myself physically or mentally at the moment. I’m still figuring out how to fit that in to my life, things I once loved doing I am now indifferent towards (I’m talking about hobbies and pastimes), and thing I once saw no meaning in at all I now find myself doing. I thought this is down to something as simple as change. The thing about change is it’s a constant process and if everything is always changing from the moment we are born till the moment we die, change is just life, and life can’t be the problem or the solution would be rather messy. I now think the problem is time or at least priorities. I must prioritise myself, not over everything, but certainly over some things. If I’m allowing everything to take precedence over me, then I’m going to lose, and I don’t want to know what losing looks like.
In the same way that you can’t paint the ceiling before laying the carpet, I have to look to the bottom to fix the top. So, on a more fundamental note, and yes I’m aware that this sounds like over inflated egotistical nonsense, but I love to go through life treating myself as the universe. We are it, it is also me, and we are doing one big fucking exciting cosmic dance. This has been an underlying foundation of my personality since I was really depressed back in 2013. I worked in a menial job in Craven and hated it, and everyone there to the point where I think all the hate just transferred over and I started to hate myself. Luckily this was another job with a lot of free time, with a lot of support from Caz and a massive kick up the arse I started watching lectures and reading books more than I ever had before. I learned a lot, but most importantly, it taught me that the meaning of life is simply to live. People seem to have forgotten that there is nothing more to achieve beyond simply “being”, totally unaware that we, ourselves, are the very works of the universe, conscious and aware, able to enjoy this mind-boggling flash of life that we’re so privileged to experience so intricately.
I suppose what’s bothering me is that I’m struggling to feel like that at the minute. I feel like a person, just a regular person being put upon by the world and its problems. I don’t like feeling like this, it feels almost artificial, like I’m stuck behind something that not there. A human life consists of nothing to a hundred-and-whatever years of trying to find meaning, love and happiness and I know that if we can, that each moment should be spent in the pursuit of life, not existence.
I must say my life is top tier, I live in first-world wealth, despite being relatively poor. I have a wife who I adore with whom I have 2 children who are amazing and surprise me every day. I’m surrounded by some of the nicest, most wonderful people I have manged to find, or that have managed to find me my problems are not the life I have built and had built around me, my problems are mind space and ideological change. For all my moaning, its nothing I can’t change back given some time and space and a spot of written waffle.
So, as there’s no use in spilling all the vast details of a problem without at least touching on a solution here’s my solution. I’m gonna plan better, love harder and hate less. I reckon the rest I must do on my own and writing this isn’t giving me the space I need to file the shit away that’s clogging up my brain. I need to let go of some resentment, respect and return the love I’m shown and crack the fuck on.
Yea this worked.