Paywall

My kids and I on a stolen yoga mat - 2017

I woke early this morning; I couldn’t get back to sleep and decided to just get up and do my accounts. Weird I now, but when I cant sleep I just try to pick something that I know could be low key stressing me out and sort it. I have no idea if it's ever works, but its sure ticks off some tedious tasks!

Why the early morning journaling about this? Well in the bank account where I keep my savings, I found a large yoga-shaped hole where my savings used to be, and it got me thinking.

In my world, stress or anxiety is the default, and rest or calmness feels like rebellion. Yoga has become one of the ways in which I attain rest and relaxation, and boy, am I paying for it. Yoga is something I have done for years, but always alone, always in my living room on the carpet. I think I lived a charmed life where I just didn’t know you could spend vast quantities of money on it. I’m not just talking about the commercialisation of Yoga, I’m talking about truly experiencing Yoga through the medium of other people, something I have become quite fond of and something that’s required of me for my training. Yoga, when done this way, has a price-tag: drop-in classes averaging £10-15, depending on what town you drop-in to, memberships pushing £80-150 a month if you get on with a teacher, and retreats climbing into the thousands (it’s currently a hard pass for me).This raises the question: Has access to peace and healing become something you have to afford?

Connected thought: In my recent experience, the same is true for therapy. Mental health support, which should arguably be a basic human right, can cost you vast quantities. In a world where free services, like those on the NHS, are overburdened and underfunded, with waitlists that can stretch into years these costs are not so much a choice, but a paywall. For people having a horrific time mentally “come back later” can be, without exaggeration, a death sentence. So, It would seem both physical and mental well-being are increasingly reserved for those who can afford pay to feel better.

This is not good for humans, this creates a feedback loop that compounds stress. The Maslow hierarchy of needs puts safety and psychological security at the base of human growth. But if meeting those needs relies on disposable income, we introduce a very modern dilemma: the people most in need of support are often the least able to access it. Yoga is something that has helped me, and will always help me, the therapy I recently received is something I will always return to, but at what cost? I’m very happy to drain my savings for things I need, things that are required for human growth, but should I have to? Capitalism is reframing self-care as a luxury rather than a necessity. Yoga becomes not just a healing practice, but a brand. Meditation is sold as an app. Without being melodramatic, I’ve seen monthly subscriptions for breathing and silence, something we can all do though human inaction.

I’m very lucky to have a good job and to be able to afford the services I need, and there will always be a place for paid services for those who want something tailored, exceptional or fast. The problem is there’s also the illusion of meritocracy at play. The idea that "you get what you pay for" seeps into self-worth. If someone can attend a weekly yoga class and afford therapy, it’s easy to believe they’re simply more committed to growth or peace. In reality, its fucking expensive, and they might be in a better financial position, or as I have seen time and again, just getting into debt.

The truth is these things are free at home, you can just do them, with “Yoga with Adrianne” on the TV or simply shut the fuck up and breathe. A long time before I ever found my feet with business, I remember being 20 grand in debt, stretched out on my living room floor with my kids - clueless that there was a world of paid services out there. This is something I need to remember moving forwards, I didn’t get to where I am today with class passes and drop-in sessions and 8 week block bookings, I got here with a mat I stole form a secondary school and a low-quality audiobook read by a man with a thick Italian accent.

People will always seek out yoga, therapy and mindfulness, for no other reason than; they work. They offer grounding. A sense of self. A sanctuary. The irony is that the more disconnected and overworked we become, the more we need these things. And the more we need them, the more we’re willing to pay for them, and the more people are willing to charge. Something I need to give serious consideration to as a future yoga teacher, but that feels like a different journal entirely.

So I finish reminding myself, Peace costs nothing at all. Don’t get too caught up.